Day 13

Skipped a day, sorry.

Got a lot done around the house yesterday, and was feeling hopeful. Husband and I have a plan for the future, towards working to me being home full time. But not until I go back to work and earn some money towards some home remodeling.

Today, feeling less hopeful as I haven't received any call backs for second interviews, or even first interviews. There is a hot job in Cheyenne that I am pretty sure I could get if I was willing to commute to Wyoming every day. But in the days of gas prices going higher and never coming back down - why would I want to drive MORE?

I'll continue to get things done around the house. It leaves me more time to spend with the animals, particularly my oldest dog. But I do want to go back to work. If only so I can "retire" on my own terms!

Day 11

I am trying to make the best use of my "summer vacation"

I have a company that seems interested and I may hear back from them next week. In the meantime, I like the idea of staying home and tending to my garden, maybe even starting the Berthoud Farmer's market this week or next week. It would be good to get some local customers to sell our chicken to.

So we'll see where it goes from here. I like staying home. I like getting things done. I don't know if I will like totally scrimping to get by. I know I WILL like not having to maintain a business casual wardrobe. But I do like to fix up my house and make improvements. Those solar water panels are just hanging out in the yard right now....

I'm really just rambling, so we'll see were life takes us. But I did send in my first payment request from unemployment. We'll see what I get... if anything at all.

Day 10 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Really? 10 days of summer vacation! Kick ass! This is so cool. But really only cool because I am feeling positively certain that my summer vacation will be short lived. And once it's over, no way am I waiting for anything anymore. If I want hard wood floors, Imma gonna getem.

The Good

I am getting stuff done, no matter what the husband thinks. I've mowed yards I would never otherwise have mowed. I will have the bathroom paint done today or tomorrow. I get to hang out with dogs and chickens and sheep. And I had a good interview. At least it's making me feel positive. I've lost a few pounds, and have gotten to take my bike for a spin. I may even take my sewing machine down to the store and ask them to please show me how to work the darn thing!

The Bad

No air conditioning in this house, and every day brings me one day closer to July - when it just gets stifling. No relief for my allergies, and mowing the lawn doesn't help that at all. I've gotten to break up dog fights, that make me wonder how often Grish and Hobbes have little discussions when we are not at home to break them up. I'm not as motivated as I could be, but I am trying. It can be boring to be home, with 5 dogs staring at you wondering what you are going to do for them now.

The Ugly

This awful desire for a job I really want, and am helpless to do much more about getting. The watching of rain clouds that thunder and grumble and keep moving north of us, dropping just teasing drops on the ground that so desperately needs a storm. The constant worrying about money, and what might happen if this temporary lasts more than just the summer... But most of all, it's the allergies that are ugly. No relief from the pollen, the cat. OH and speaking of our useless cat. I have now caught 3 mice in the house. I can hear them in the walls. I see them in the basement. And the cat does nothing. I was really hoping we would never need another indoor cat. But if Schroed can't fix this mouse problem, and the mousetraps don't fix this mouse problem... damn it all, we may still need a house cat. DO YOUR JOB KITTY!!!

Day 9

I had a great phone interview today. It has me thinking positive thoughts, and realizing maybe I should take better advantage of my time off. But then again, I am working my tail off... I am enjoying spending so much time with the dogs, even if they are just all around me napping at the moment. :)

Regardless, my time off has not been fruitless. I did finally mow the jungle of the back yard, I am finishing the venetian plaster in the bathroom. My husband doesn't even notice that all his laundry is done and put away for him. Today I have to hit some dishes, wash some eggs, and mow around the orchard before those weeds take over our trees. There are plenty of little things to do. I don't mind doing them.

And sometimes I feel OK with the idea of staying home indefinitely... Except for that side of me that is a saver and a spender. There's a side of me that likes putting money aside for future use - emergencies, projects, whatever. Then there is a side of me that likes being able to do nice things - like fix up my house or whatever. Though staying home could be fun, and very beneficial - for all the work I can get done on the farm. I think money might still be more worthwhile right now than just my extra time on the farm. Ah well, we shall see.

Day 8

Feeling kind of bummed again today. I keep waking up in the morning in a panic - because the sun is already out and I must be late to work. So my body still hasn't adjusted. I should be taking advantage, if I play my cards right, this could all be VERY VERY temporary.

Or maybe I am just procrastinating because I need to mow the lawn, and I hate mowing the lawn.

I do have a phone interview, that got postponed until tomorrow. So that's fine.

But I can't get over this one company I would really like to work for... a new solar panel company starting up in Longmont - from a project joint with CSU. It's where I want to be. How can I convince them? They have my resume, more than once. So now I sit and wait, and hope for a phone call.

Day 7 - one week later

One week later and some of the shock is starting to wear off. I am still lacking in motivation, while I stare at a ton of housework, I better get some of it done.

I had a phone screen last night with a company, who shall remain nameless for now. Phone screens are usually pretty inocuous and rarely unique. Tell me about this, tell me about that, tell me about a time. Fabulous.

I got a call back today that they want to do a follow up phone interview with me tomorrow. Sweet, I got past the first date, and they want to take me out again. This is better than dating.

This is probably what has lifted my mood the most. The idea that someone might be interested. That this dark tunnel may very well be a short one. Let's see what happens!

Now I better go finish painting the bathroom/doing laundry/cleaning the kitchen/scrubbing the rugs...

Day 6

I've been applying to jobs - stretching the bounds for myself. Can I try technical writing? I've been published many times, but in a very niche technology. But I've written. Can I give that a try? I am looking for something that I can get started with, and I'm not talking about Associated Content, though a few extra bucks here and there isn't a bad idea.

I got some stuff done on the house this morning, still working on painting a bathroom, weeding the garden, feeding chickens. It wasn't so bad that I was home today - Lucy got her head stuck in the chicken fence, so I got to save her from that. She might have struggled all day, or annihilated the fence. I'm still catching mice in the house, and in the barn. I can collect eggs in the morning before the egg-eater gets to them. It's really not all bad.

But when husband leaves in the morning, it still just doesn't feel right. And his daily to-do list kills me as well. I know how to stay busy here, and truthfully, I need to spend lots of my time applying to jobs. I went through Indeed.com, monster, careerbuilder, SME.org and SWE.org, as well as opportunityknocks.org. Now it's time to hit each company one by one and see what is out there.

I have my dreams set on AVA Solar. IN the meantime, I have a phone interview tonight with Covidien. I will take what I can get. Again, a humbling experience. Let's get the bills paid.

Day 5 - Sunday

APplying and Applying and Applying for jobs. It's pretty dry out there, unless I am willing to take a big step down... so we'll see.

Husband and I are going to look at our budget today and see if we can pull this off... And for how long.

I can only wonder - what would this feel like if it was OUR choice? What if I had decided to stay home - to start a family, to work the farm? Would this be fun? It isn't right now, but I am still going through the emotional part of it... the rejection, the embarassment, things like that. But what if I wanted to set my engineering skills aside to work the farm... to focus on accounting, tracking, planning, weeding, feeding, training dogs...??

Day 4 - it's a saturday

OK, so it feels like a normal day. I'm supposed to be home. I'm supposed to be working in the yard and doing laundry and cleaning.

But I still can't get away from the cloud that I shouldn't spend a dime on a damn thing. I can't get past the urgency that I have to get a job NOW. And does that mean taking the first offer that comes along? What if it sucks? Do I take any job for the money, now? When before I was looking for fulfillment.

I guess this truly is a lesson in humility. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the bills.

Day 3

Well, the search is definitely on for a new job. Unfortunately, I am not being choosy this time. I have passed up applying in the past when the company was one that I didn't agree with their business practices, for one reason or another. Now I will apply every where. It doesn't matter.

We had to take the car in for some work today. Better now than after it blows up and it has tragic consequences. But this means I need a job. Not being able to pay the mortgage is a scary though. I need to work.

The paperwork came in the mail today. Very inefficient! I got 4 different letters from the Colorado Department of Labor and Employment. Get your act together guys, put it all in one envelope! So I get to send back something with my signature on it. And by the end of the month, I get a little debit card where they put my payments, and then I can spend it where I might. Interesting.

I also need to call my bank and see what the fees are I will have now that I won't have direct deposit into my banking accounts. I know that was part of my package at the bank. Maybe they can waive that for a month or so.

Well, there are a million things to do, including Larry's daily to-do list he gives me in the morning. But I really need a job.

Day 2

I actually slept last night. I didn't sleep a wink the night before. So that felt good.

And you know how sometimes you have so much going on at work, or at home, that it pops up in your sleep. A solution to a problem, what you want to get done at work the next day.... that happened to me. I woke up with a jolt, and started making a mental list of the things I was going to do at the office. But I don't have an office. So a good night's sleep felt great, but it just shows how programmed we are to maintain a schedule. Well, maybe that's just me. I'm still highly disappointed.

But I am off to the unemployment office today. We'll see how that goes, and hopefully it will go well. I don't know what to do except that I have to be looking for work. You got it. I'm going to do some farm chores today - and I'm going to start submitting my resume - fully cleaned up and ready to go!

Day One

I realized that today is the first day of m adult life that I have not been employed. Sure there are weekends, and such. And maybe I shouldn't be such a drama queen... There are many others in my shoes, and until I am late with a mortgage payment, do I really have anything to worry about?

But I will admit that when Larry walked out this morning it was a surreal feeling. He was going to work. And I was not. For the first time ever.

I really should be getting things done, but I found a mouse in the house and am having better luck getting Hobbes to chase it, than the cat. I also found baby chicks outside the barn, and had to round them back up and seal them up inside the barn. I have plenty of chores to do, and just finished a 45 minute bike ride.

But it's hard to be motivated. It's only day one, and I have yet to deal with any of my emotions. but I am trying really hard to take this one day off... and not apply for any jobs (yet). I have furiously put a budget together and have already filed for unemployment. If anyone knows me, they know I get to it on some things without the patience to wait. But that list of chores that I have all of eternity to complete... I guess I'm just going to have to take my time.

Ah well.... I'm still not sure what I am supposed to feel right now. Trying to put that job behind me and not be angry, and not second guess a million things... And I'm trying not to think about what I want to replace it, because do I really know? So I guess I need to go back to baby steps... think about making some lunch, taking a shower, and tackling some gardening projects while I have the time... hop to it KB... if you can't earn a living, you might as well earn your keep.

but I'm really scared....

Leisure Wife

I heard this term years ago from my friend Amy. Her friend's husband got a job in Japan, but the company didn't have a role for her. They decided to take the assignment, even though she wouldn't be working - for the experience, etc. She coined the term "leisure wife". They didn't have any kids, so she wasn't a stay-at-home-mom.

So I guess, if I try to look at the bright side, I get to be a leisure wife, too.

This isn't an announcement I am prepared to make. I don't even want to say it, because somehow it makes it real. Like the (first) time I got bit by a dog. Saying it out loud made me cry - that man's best friend could do me harm. It was a hard lesson to learn. So I guess I need to say it.

I got laid off.

The job I've been bragging about at the company I thought was so great - well, they laid of 20% of their work force today. At a moment's notice. I think we knew there were some tough times ahead, but when I looked at the room of people who were being let go with me, I was truly shocked. It was worse than any of us imagined.

So like they say - it's a recession when your friend loses their job. It's a depression when you lose yours. I can't say we're destitute, but I wasn't planning for this. Believe me, Larry and I had other plans. So I guess now I get to take the mental list of all the little things that need to be done, and start tackling them. Along with my favorite friend - indeed.com. Maybe some good will come of this. I can start biking daily and maybe I'll lose those extra pounds. Along with tending to the farm - I can start working on the little projects that I never get around to, like staining the deck, weeding the garden, mowing the lawn, and maybe even learning how to sew. I'll consider picking up some part time work in town, along with my unemployment check. Hmm... I'm trying to see the silver lining, but right now, my ego is a little bruised. It's hard to think I was in the bottom of the pile - the least valuable employee, the easiest to let go. Maybe it had to do with seniority, it possibly had to do with pay level. But there's no crying over spilt milk, right? Time to find another cow...

I'm sorry to friends and family that I didn't tell you all directly. That I didn't at least send a tacky mass email. It's just too hard to talk about, and I really only want to say it once. And I wish I didn't have to say it at all.